14th March 2003 - A day I'll never forget.

The day my Granny Shatford died. Worst time of my life. Seriously. Never, ever, felt pain like that in my life. Truly the worst I've ever felt. But, obviously, at that time, I didn't know about suicide or self-harm, or I would almost definitely be dead by now. I guess it's a good thing. She wouldn't like to see me so soon, right?

I promised her in my prayers that this year, I'd go see her and take her flowers....

Couldn't face it.

After the last 6 months, I have no idea what I'd do if I went to see her. I really can't trust myself. But I feel terrible for breaking a promise. I'm so conflicted. Do I put my own life at risk to fulfill a promise to the one person I love the very most, or save myself and break that promise? I know it's not the 14th anymore, but any visit is a good visit, right?

I don't really know.

Not to mention the fact that I actually have no money to get the bus to see her, never mind flowers.... Not good.

My friends love me. My family love me. What more could I ask for, really? I shouldn't be depressed. Just... sometimes you can't help it. You understand, I know you do. Whoever you may be.


I remember about two months after my gran died. I wrote one of my English essays on it. It was the best of the year, according to my teacher. I wish I still had it to share with you, but, that was like... 6 years ago, so no chance of me having it anywhere.

I can't stop crying. I'm so emotional right now. But I think I'm safe. I reckon I'll just chill for a while then cry myself to sleep, and wake up feeling all happy again.






I realise this post is pretty depressing, but, that's life...

That's what all the people say...

Riding high in April, and shot down in May!

:P